i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
