if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
