I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
