ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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