i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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