I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
