just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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