So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
