peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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