i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
