she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
sarcasm needs its own font
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
