pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
