Only a mothe r could love this liver
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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