I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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