The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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