Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
