I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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