I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
