So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
