The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
