This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
