my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
