i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
