I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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