you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
