I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
