Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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