apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
