Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
