I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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