I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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