i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
