if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
