I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
operation have a gay friend backfired
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
