You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
