Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
