it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
These tits shall not be calmed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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