Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
