Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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