6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
