I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
