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i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
