Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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