his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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