I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
