dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
