I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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