Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
