Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
