Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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