Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
