you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't turn off my feet"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
