I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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