absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We talked him into tasing himself.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
