I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You know, be my cock's hype man.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize