That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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