And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
