Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
