So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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