As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
