What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
