If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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