I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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