Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
