if you like me you must not know who I am
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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