I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
