Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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